Dear Diary: It's not all laughter

I generally consider myself to be a very happy person, appreciating every day as it comes. There have been times however, when I have not been so fortunate as to be able to say that, and here, in this extract from my diary, is a wee example of one such period. Here, you find me having just returned to my home in the Swiss Alps after a fantastic 6-week trip to Japan. I think that that lonliness was the driving force behind my feelings.

27th December 2000

Once again I awake to find myself feeling depressed. I am finding it difficult to write by hand in my diary at the moment; perhaps I feel that I cannot face up to acknowledging how I feel. Writing on a PC enables me to explain how I am feeling a lot more easily. You see, here I can kind of forget that I am just writing to myself. I could be writing to anyone, and sharing my troubles with him or her. And that, I know, always helps.

I wake up most mornings feeling quite down. Not wanting to be here, and yet there is no other place where I particularly want to be. I suppose if I had to make a choice, then, well, I it would actually be on a world tour of my friends, because they have become the most important elements in my life. However, that is not quite feasible at the moment, and so despite my general minor depression I do not feel entirely lost or "what's the point", as I am on my way to better things, situations where I do not feel so alone, where I awake with a smile.

This is a necessary process that I must go through. Partly for purely practical reasons as I must save some money, but also I think it may be a good thing for me to be feeling as I do. I liken it to putting the brakes on for a while after a mad, thrilling helter-skelter ride.

I remember drifting around a jungle at Disneyland in an old boat with the funniest guide driving our little steamer. There were animals all over the place, incredible reproductions of elephants and the like. It was such fun. I laughed so much, and I didn't even understand a word she said.

Now, I look back on that, and I can recall the joy I felt as I experienced that boat ride. And it makes me happy. Not just a passing happiness, but a contented feeling, knowing that I have been truly happy, and that I will be again. It makes it easier to get through the bad times.

Japan has really brought it home to me just how important it is to have friends. Good friends. Friends that trust and love one another. I wish I had more time to communicate with them.

You know what though? Just writing this small piece has really changed my feelings this morning. I feel richer. Perhaps the same dark feeling is lurking in my stomach, but my spirit has been lifted. It's my little friend that no one knows. No one else has my friends. I am unique in my isolation. An isolation surrounded by friends.

Love Joseph xxx