A Whizz Boing Pop day

I find it astonishing (and at times disturbing!) how much detail my camera lens can pick up. My hand doesn't look so wrinkly to the naked eye, but an adjustment of the levels in the raw file shows the prints and lines in all their glory. I guess this is where photography is going now, especially with the advent of Nikon's incredible D3.

Got back into the daily exercise thing today. Up at 6.30am, out to the park to jog (and, er, take photos of the blossom. and my hand. that was a spur of the moment thing).



Then, at nine I took part in presenting for a CILASS IBL cafe (IBL = Inquiry based learning), a weekly event open to staff and students in which we present / discuss IBL related topics. Today we focused upon 'Being a CILASS Student Ambassador and Employability'. I won't say more about it here as I'll be blogging about it on the SA Network blog ...and I get paid to blog there! (I'll link to it when it's up). Really enjoyed that though. Lovely people I work with, wonderful start to the day.

Following that I popped along to the SEAS office having been summoned by email - they had a bottle of wine for me (and a timesheet!) to fill in following this year's open days, bless them. They are so kind. Only two weeks until a core member of the family leaves - I wonder how that will effect things?

Next it was on to a writing class, then translating literature from the 1950s. I am absolutely terrible at this, and for my last piece of coursework got my first ever 2:2 - with some of the categories seeing me down as far as a third. Whilst I enjoy reading the stories, when it comes to precise translation I am hopeless. The thing is, whist we have always had precise translation classes (at which I have always done pretty poorly) the general rule in everyday life is to go for the general meaning - and that's what I do. I think that's what we all do as humans really when we are unable to catch it all: we listen for familiarities and then fill in the blanks with our context-based knowledge. But you can't do that with precise translation. Whilst I was shocked when I got my feedback, I'm not upset about it at all. I just accept that this is not my strong point, appreciate that I have to try better next time, and move on (and not get a job which requires precise translations of 1950s Japanese novels).

Following that I went up to the healthfood shop Beanies to pick up my organic vegee box. I was in for a bit of a surprise there too as when I told the lady behind the counter my name so she could tick my box off, she said,

Oh, I know your name! My daughter was doing some research for something and found your blog. She told me about it as you'd mentioned us - and when I had a look I saw it was you!"

Back down the road and I discovered I'd accidentally kept hold of a key for some of the classrooms in the IC. I was a little bemused by this, why I had I done that? It all became clear when I got back to CILASS though, as Dr. N who runs the Case Studies project I participated in had just finished a meeting, and there was a fair bit of lovely italian food left over. Well, it would have been a shame to let it go to waste..!

Plate loaded down with the finest cheeses, pasta and pizza, I returned to a room in the bowels of the Octagon Centre where Japan soc was to meet a couple of hours later. No sooner had I sat down than *Twinkle* skyped me, and we talked, and talked.

It is such a treat to talk with her, makes me so happy. What I especially like is the way in which many conversations (like today's) become learning experiences. We really are pushing one another, each using our personal strengths to challenge one another's thinking. Makes it all so real, engaging, fun ...and makes me feel that I can't wait to be back together with her! 17th July is the day. Heathrow the place. She's so good for me; good job she's not seen through me yet...

Anyway, I've just realised that I've not written those two mini-japanese essays that are due in last week. I was going to write them this evening, but got carried away preparing the budget and other documents for Japan society - we hand over next week, and that will be it - my three years with them over :-(

It's been great though, what a fantastic learning experience. Thank you Japan soc.

so, er, yes, must sleep.

night night xxx

Remains of the Steering Wheel

The past week has seen my daily exercise routine somewhat curtailed by temporary responsibility for my friend's car (which as no doubt you are tired of hearing, requires a lot of attention). But this morning, the car park refreshingly free of flat tyres, yellow tickets or vehicles supporting such accessories, I was able to get back out to the park. 

It's a very exciting time of year for the park, with the trees starting to blossom, the hedges sporting some fashionable green leaves, the daffodils trumpeting their fanfare of yellow across a sea of last year's leaves.

But things must have been extra exciting during my period of absence, as look what is now parked in the middle of the football field!

Yes, a completely burnt-out car.

And how about this for a steering wheel? Perhaps a little hard to use when manoeuvring out of a tight parking spot.


I suppose in a way, given all that happened last week, I should have been surprised that it wasn't the car that I'd been responsible for sitting there in all its naked glory!

Coping

As fresh as a Greek daisy. One of the first ever flower-shots I took, back in 1996

I'm glad I don't usually have a car. Two parking tickets, a blow-out, and now today a section of the front bumper missing after someone reversed into me in the car park. I really am glad that on the whole, cars don't excite me.

It's been a pretty full-on few days. I was a photographer at a business seminar down south on Saturday - that was in-between the trouser-patch sewing, which incidentally when very well, although when I got home I realised that one of the patches was unintentionally shaped and positioned to look like a big testicle...

Having had the major Sheffield Graduate Award deadline on Friday, I'd spent much of the week getting my portfolio together. Thus, it was only on Sunday that I dared to finally re-open my to-do database.

Gulp. It was rather full.

One major to-do is my dissertation; I've got a deadline of Wednesday lunchtime to get the next section in, but it's not going to happen. I felt very weary on Sunday, and it soon became apparent that I wasn't going to do any work on it, as I was too busy hoovering, tidying up the noticeboard etc. Realising that this wasn't a good situation to be in, I gave myself permission to procrastinate for the rest of the day - provided I procrastinated by doing stuff that was on my to-do list (but required less emotional input). That turned out to be a good decision, as I managed to deal with a whole bunch of emails that demanded responses, I wrote a journal article (1 down, 3 to go!), sorted out some wedding stuff, spoke to *Twinkle*, processed some outstanding RAW images, changed the wheel on the car again, and dealt with the huge bunch of paperwork that has been gathering on my table with the legs sawn off.

At the end of the day I felt quite happy with how I'd turned it around.

Today is the first day in the past week that I've not taken a potent cocktail consisting of a large dose of Vitamin B and Caffeine to keep me going. As a result of this, my body has finally had a chance to reassert itself, by sending me to sleep in the library at lunchtime. To be fair though, I was up at 6am again today for the usual (if temporary) morning routine: This involves picking up food from a community centre with a scary alarm, delivering it to the university shop, processing returns, picking up the catering trailer from up the hill, setting that up on campus, and fetching water. I love challenging myself to apply Lean Production tecniques to cut down the amount of time it takes me to get this done. I've now got it down from 2.5 hours to 90 minutes. I like looking out of the window when I'm back home at 8am, seeing the traffic queues and thinking, "wasn't like that when I got up!"

With these temporary responsibilities I've 'not had time' for my daily exercise: the negative impact this loss has upon my energy levels is staggering.

Today has been semi-productive. I was in the library for about 8 hours, reading books when I wasn't dozing off. But I have felt under considerable pressure.

Indeed, tonight it did all get to be a bit too much for me. Absolute exhaustion, and a desire to say 'sod it all'. To ease things, I went and bought a big tub of ice cream, a bar of chocolate, and some stationary. I now feel somewhat better, and very fat.

More helpful than the consumption of 3 million calories though has been the recollection of a fundamental truth,

It Doesn't Matter.

None of it does. Journals will still be published without my input, life will carry on without my emails, I will graduate (with a 2:1) even if I only get 40% on all my modules. Just pass, that's enough.

As a treat, I gave myself an hour off my dissertation today and used it to look for jobs. That's something else that has been on my to-do list. It wasn't all that positive really, just tonnes of teaching jobs, but I'm not worried. I have a strong feeling that everything is going to work out for the best. I trust that when the time comes for me to act, I will know it.

I realised today that it's actually going to be another 4 months before I see *Twinkle*. That brought me down a bit. I've been missing her so much recently, probably partly due to the fact that she would really benefit from my support at the moment. I miss being very much in touch with how she is feeling today, emotionally, and I miss her physical warmth.

Hmm, still, the way things are going these four months will fly by, and before you know it we'll be back off to Japan. I am so looking forward to living with her again.

Well, it's now 10pm, and time for me to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be another long day, bu a productive and enjoyable one too, and thus I look forward to it.

Organic vegetables, Nelson Mandela, and your own thought processes

Ha. It's another of those nights. Those nights when I go to bed, but feel so excited about everything and nothing that I have to get up again.

Part of it's the music, I know. I'm listening to Everything But the Girl - Walking Wounded. One of the few CDs I ever owned. Bought it in Switzerland I think, Interlaken. That was before I knew any Japanese. I remember that as the CD case has a bit of Japanese on it, and it was only a few years after I'd bought it that I realised what it said (Eee bee tee jee = EBTG). It's truly wonderful how music can take you back in time to a place, to a feeling, to a state of mind. Listening to this and looking at my swiss photos sees me up that Alp in 1997. Caw, that part of the world is staggeringly beautiful. I do hope that *Twinkle* and I end up back there one day (by that I mean that I hope that that remains one of our goals).

My weekly Organic Vegee box from Beanies

Doesn't that fruit and veg look delicious?! I love organic vegees so much, more than any form of processed food - including Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. The taste of a fresh organic salad is, according to the interaction between my taste buds and mind, the most delicious taste there is. The taste of this pile of fruit and veg could only be surpassed by an identical box of produce that I'd grown myself. It will happen.

I had a difficult day yesterday. I was feeling troubled by Nelson Mandela's treatment having finished his autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom. What an incredible story. Certainly puts things into perspective. I think of his 27 years of incarceration, and of the appalling hardships endured by black South Africans under Apartheid, and then I think of complaints that I or my friends might have about noisy neighbours, our language course, or what so-and-so said... and I am reminded how spoilt we are. We have so much to be grateful for. Every single day.

Thank.

You.

When I reached the part of the book where he described his release I paused and paid a visit to You Tube, where I observed the same scene from outside of his body. Having just gained an insight into what had led to that moment I found it to be incredibly moving. I wiped the tears away, and bang! I was back there. Not South Africa, but our lounge, in front of the TV. It was the 11th of February 1990; I was 12 years old. ...I can vividly recall watching that live news report on the BBC. I'd heard of Nelson Mandela and Apartheid, and I remember being excited, and so happy, running around the dining room and the lounge.

It was cold outside.

Sun shines down beyond the Arts Tower

I went to give blood today. Unfortunately due to my history of epilepsy, I'm unable to be a donor until 2011, and was actually advised to never give blood. It's not that my blood poses a risk to others, it's that giving blood poses a risk to me in that it could trigger a seizure.

The nurses were very good about it - they could see I was upset. In fact, they treated me even more nicely after that, insisting that I go and sit down and have a cup of tea and a biscuit.

So, I'll just have to make do with saving people when I die instead :-) ...and keep on buying cakes all week from the Bone Marrow Society. (Bloomin' good cakes too).

I was pretty surprised by how many people were there. It was like discovering a whole hidden culture of Good Samaritans. How come I had never tried to donate blood before?

---

Been missing *Twinkle* a lot this week. In a way I wish I could bottle this experience, and keep it as a reminder for future years when we are 'always' together, to ensure that I don't get complacent, to ensure that I stay concious of how fortunate we are (will be) to be able to share our lives with one another.

I feel I've become more aware of our differences this year. Having so much space enables one to step back and think about how differently one sees some things. That's not a bad thing at all. I see her as my teacher, thus the more differing perspectives, the more we can both learn (I would add that I don't think that the differences would be so welcome if there was not an underlying meeting of spirit!).

I'm grateful that over the past year I have been encouraged to explore the idea that there is no right and wrong - there is only differing perceptions of 'reality'. This proves to be especially helpful in situations where social norms would normally dictate that conflict was the appropriate response. With there being no 'right' and no 'wrong' there is no impulse to convince the other that one is 'right'. One can have a completely different opinion from someone else, and yet accept that they are just as 'right' as you. After all, the 'thing', whatever it is, just is. It has no implicit meaning, it only has the meaning that we assign to it.

This way of thinking has really helped me to back down and accept *Twinkle*'s way of thinking without my pride getting in the way. I've not quite got it down to a fine art yet though - far from it! But, being aware is the first important step, and I'm glad to have taken that.

Changing the subject, this past week I've been marvelling at the brain's ability to assign meaning to things I see. I've been playing a little game whereby I look at something, and then observe my thought process as meaning is assigned. Of course normally it happens to fast that we barely notice (you look at a traffic light, and before the you know it, you know it's a traffic light!), but you can slow it down. One method is to turn the lights off so the room is pretty dim, then look around until you make out a shape. You can actually see you brain sorting through an amazingly comprehensive database of images, experiences, feelings, meanings! Absolutely amazing (and we think Google is clever...!). Another way to set yourself up for this experiment is to reduce the exposure on a bunch of photos, so the subjects are barely visible. Or, next time you meet someone whom you know you recognise but can't actually place or name, watch your brain sift through your memory bank in a bid to come up with a match of sorts.

Ahh, the pleasure of introspection!

Well, I'd best be off to bed. Up early tomorrow, and my list of things to do is almost as long as my nose :-)

Mush love xxx

p.s. I want this girl's voice.