The secret to forgiving

I'm now into week 7 of my TSI coaching course. Initial goals I set myself at the beginning of the course have mostly been achieved, thus, when this week I was asked to once again identify problematic areas within my life, I really struggled. In the end, I had to contact one of my coaches for guidance, and it was through this experience that I came to wonder if my positive outlook on life is actually impairing my ability to identify (and address) problems. I was really struck by how difficult I find it to look at any event or situation and not focus on the good in it (I'm not talking things on the scale of war atrocities here, I'm talking the environment that I live in).

I wonder if this tendency to only see the good in others / situations will impact negatively upon my life in the long term?

There's a risk that by seeing things in this way I could alienate myself from others, or perhaps reduce my own capacity to sympathise and show love when it's needed. I think I've actually seen this happen already to a limited degree, when I have neglected to make an effort to see a situation from the point of view of a friend who is not so inclined to see things positively and subsequently come across as uncaring.

I'm thinking that I need to be careful to strike a balance between communicating my own positive take on events, and acknowledging and responding appropriately to the hurt felt by others.

Another theme in this week's course has been that of forgiveness. If I recall a situation in which I have harboured bad-feeling towards someone whom I feel wronged by, I can feel myself having that black heart. It's painful, it sucks up energy, it's stressful. But ego tells me that they have to apologise or make up for what they've done before I can let go of it, which is a load of rubbish. The thing is, the longer I hold on to blame, the longer I hurt myself. It's just silly, why make life more difficult for myself, when I can just forgive?

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” - Lewis B. Smedes

If I'm finding it difficult to forgive someone, one trick I use is to imagine them dead.

Nice huh.

No, but really, it works. "If this person were to die today would I want them to die knowing that I am harbouring these bad feelings towards them?" The chances are, if it's someone I care about (as is nearly always the case when it comes to strong feelings whether positive or negative), I won't want them to die like that. I'd want them to know that I love them, that I care for them, and that I appreciate what they have done for me.

And of course, there's no reason why they might not die today.

If that trick doesn't work, then clearly the connection between us is weak, and thus I am being a bit daft to be investing so much energy in feeling bad towards them.

Anyway, I can hear the Sheep Man calling so I'd best be off. He doesn't like to be kept waiting.

xxx

Happy for today

Before I get on with this mumble, I'd just like to mention that this post is not an invitation for you to kill me.

Thank you.

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These really are good times.

Whilst it is a core belief of mine that it's important to appreciate today and not postpone the attainment of happiness for 'tomorrow', sometimes something will happen in my life that prompts me to question whether I really am valuing the gift of being alive.

When faced with that question, I look for an answer by asking myself another question:

"If I were to die today, would I be OK with that - is there anything I would regret not having done?"

The film Pay it forward, which I previously mentioned seeing for the first time the other day, provided one such prompt.

I used to think that I would only be able to say "Yes, I would be OK with that, and no, I would not have any regrets" if I had already accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish.

I can't remember exactly when it was - perhaps some time last year? - but there came a point when I realised that I no longer felt the need to achieve anything in particular in order to be happy, because I was happy, and I am happy. Very happy.

If I try and determine why this is, two things come to mind: the love of my family & friends, the love of *Twinkle*, and my living in alignment with my core beliefs, which are centred around love and acceptance (Hhhmm. Perhaps I could turn this mumble into a Little Book of Happiness).

It's a great feeling though, because it helps me deal with the pressures of consumerism (except for the Apple iPhone of course, which I absolutely must have) and social norms re. careers. I don't need to feel pressured by others promoting a 'better' lifestyle, because, well, I have it already, sitting here in my little student room, with £24,000 of debt and just a couple of suitcases of 'stuff'.

The net effect of this feeling is something that I cherish - the feeling that every day from here on is a bonus.

I wake up: "Wow! ANOTHER day! What can I do with this one I wonder?!" This doesn't mean I feel pressured into having to do something 'incredible' every day, but it does prompt me to remain true to myself.

Of course it doesn't always work. I stuff up, a lot, but that's ok. It means I go to bed a little wiser than I woke up, even if I do have a swollen tongue from trying to lick a slice of parmesan cheese attached to a mouse trap (only did that the once).

But wouldn't this feeling of happiness rob me of an incentive to try and 'achieve' altogether? It seems not. I don't know why, but I find instead it inspires me to try and achieve more, more stuff with my passion at its core. Kinda exciting really.

I was thinking, it's not just the film that's made me look at these things recently, it's the spate of stabbings, first here in the UK, and now in Japan too. It just reminds me, there may be no tomorrow, so I'd better not place happiness there.

...Well, today is an extra happy day in any case, as in the last hour Apple's website has the announced the 3G iPhone, and an increase in storage on our family .mac account to 40GB from 10GB. What a glorious age to be alive in!

xxx joseph

Monday 5am

Signs of Spring

Yesterday at 4am myself, and 34 others who live in my block at Broad Lane Court, were rudely awoken by the ringing of bells. Doorbells.

It was a little alarming, as our doorbells are quite loud; we can hear the neighbours' bells almost as clearly as our own. All of them were going off together. After a few moments of lying there feeling semi-consciously confused, I managed to rouse myself - someone might be in trouble, desperate for attention. I stumbled down the stairs to the main door, and was soon joined by several flatmates in similarly dazed states. The bells had stopped ringing by now.

I looked out through the glass panels of the door, but all I saw a man strolling nonchalantly out of the courtyard. He did have the gait of a drunkard - it just seemed that he'd had a sudden urge to wake lots of people up. Which he successfully did.

Things like that don't really annoy me. I tend to just put them to one side and know that I'll understand that I'll probably appreciate why it happened at some later date. As it was, I was asleep again within seconds of returning to bed, so wasn't really inconvenienced.

Thinking over this later in the day, it struck me how light it had been at 4am.

Living in a thick-walled block of flats with only a small double-glazed window out onto the world, it's only too easy to become insulated from the natural cycle of the seasons. This, I feel, is a great shame. We've lived according to the rhythm of the seasons for millions of years. It's a fundamental cycle that I'm sure affects us as it affects the animals and plants.

Thinking about this, I realised that perhaps I had something to learn from the 4am bell-ringer. And that's why I could be found in the part at 5am today, doing my exercises.

I tell you, that 7am-Sunday-in-the-park thing - you can experience it weekdays too, at 5am! It was just beautiful. So peaceful. The sun was a fair way above the horizon, its lovely golden rays reflecting off a million little mirrors created by frost-coated blades of grass. Hitting the trees that surround the football pitch it made them seem like huge huggable cushions of green (although I admit they would probably not feel like cushions if fallen on from a considerable height).

So, a big thank you to the man who rang all of our doorbells at 4am, for re-connecting me with the rhythm of the world the other side of my double glazing.

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Today promises to be an exciting day. At 8.30am I'll be meeting a few staff from various university departments, and we'll be heading off to a 3-day residential event near Nottingham, the aim of which is to get an exciting new project off the ground that seeks to utilise Web 2.0 tools in the enhancement of learning and teaching. I'll not be able to stay for the whole day today as what with this being week 12 (the final week of taught lectures) I have my last ever class with Nagai sensei (sniff). There's also a little awards ceremony to attend for the photo competition.

Anyway, best get on and eat my porridge. Lots to do before the rest of the world wakes up!

xxx

p.s. for someone who is a lot more in touch with natural cycles (pun intended), check out Bastish.net. I've mentioned this blog before. It tells the story of a couple who left the pressures of Tokyo city, to start life anew in the countryside. 

It's not just beautiful photography. I found the recent post "Lost in the countryside" very interesting. For me, it's a reminder that whilst the grass may be greener on the other side, it does require a lot of care.

Rivers of money ...and parking tickets

This past year I have adopted a policy of not holding on to money.

The idea is not just to spend willy-nilly. As you know, I've done that in the past, with spectacular results.

Rather, the idea (simply put) is to not take ownership of money in the first place. Instead of thinking that I 'have' a finite amount of money that has to last me until my next student loan payment, I picture money as a river that flows through my life. I trust that I will have enough to meet my needs (I've not yet gone hungry in 30 years): as some leaves my custody so more will arrive, from somewhere.

[n.b. This approach requires that one believes that we live in a world of abundance, not a world of limited resources. I'm talking a general mindset here, not stuff like oil or water reserves. For example, a world where we are not jealous of others' success ...because actually there is plenty of recognition for everyone.]

It is important though that I use the money in accordance with what feels right. Thus, for example, I can't just go out and buy a MacBook Pro in the belief that the money will show up from somewhere, as it would simply be my own greed motivating that action, and thus the chances are that I'd end up in a pile of horse plop.

However, when it comes to giving to worthy causes, the river technique really works. I don't know how, but it does. It's simply amazing. The more you give to others, you more you find money flowing back to yourself in even greater quantities.

The result of my scientific survey in which I have been deliberately far more generous than has been the case historically, is that all sorts of money-generating opportunities start to present themselves. It's happened time and time again this year, and I even find myself able to put some money aside for our wedding, despite the fact that according to my budget forecast I cannot even meet my basic expenses this academic year.

I encourage everyone to give money away. It's liberating.

Sometimes though, one is presented with difficult situations that send one straight back to the land of limited resources. Today, that happened to me, as the university's parking services gave me my second £60 parking fine in two days. There has clearly been an unofficial change in policy, or perhaps the regular traffic warden is off sick and some jobsworth has taken over.

Yesterday I wasn't overly upset as I only got the ticket after following instructions from a member of staff whom I incorrectly assumed has some insider knowledge of the university's parking system (he told me to park in a registered bay). I have appealed that, and have no intention of paying. Today's though was a little more complex. I was parked outside my house, as I have done on many previous occasions, in an area that whilst not an official parking area is often used by residents who have temporary need of somewhere to put their car.

I think the attendant must have seen the car and recognised it, and thus thought that he'd teach me a lesson by ticketing it. Again.

Technically, I'm in the wrong. But I strongly object to being made to pay £60 for something which didn't cause anyone any harm, something that caused absolutely no obstruction and which many people do almost every day without penalty. It's our courtyard, and we don't mind sharing it.

I visited the university's parking office to see what could be done. Unfortunately, whilst one member of staff was polite, kind and helpful (and I was grateful for her understanding my feelings), the other was not. She kept on butting in, gleefully telling me that there was no way that I'd get out of it.

This really upset me as she seemed to be getting a great kick out of deliberately trying to make me feel bad. It was only the second time in 4 years that I'd met someone like that on the university payroll...

I was pretty surprised by how upset I was - I actually had to leave the room very suddenly as I felt myself about to burst into tears. (What's happening to me? What's all this emotional stuff about?!)

After leaving the parking bunker (now armed with a temporary permit which the nice lady had given me), I wandered home in the rain, and thought about how I could deal with these feelings. I realised that one reason I was feeling so upset was that I had attached meaning to that money, that meaning being £120 less for my wedding.

...so how about if I let go? How about, if I just paid the second fine, and accepted it as part of the natural flow? Trust that the pot would be replenished. This sounded like a good idea, and thus a few minutes later I'd contacted the 3rd party parking company and given them my card details. I also realised that by doing so I was demonstrating that I was willing to pay a 'just' fine - perhaps this would give me a little more leverage as I attempted to get the first fine cancelled.

I felt a lot better then, and went on to eat free pizza in Bart House.

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Case Study - "Making Students Matter: The Family of East Asian Studies" - now online!

I'll blog about this next week. By then, I'd like you to have read this text :-p