I awake to find myself feeling depressed. I am finding it difficult
to write by hand in my diary at the moment; perhaps I feel that
I cannot face up to acknowledging how I feel. Writing on a PC
enables me to explain how I am feeling a lot more easily. You
see, here I can kind of forget that I am just writing to myself.
I could be writing to anyone, and sharing my troubles with him
or her. And that, I know, always helps.
I wake up
most mornings feeling quite down. Not wanting to be here, and
yet there is no other place where I particularly want to be. I
suppose if I had to make a choice, then, well, I it would actually
be on a world tour of my friends, because they have become the
most important elements in my life. However, that is not quite
feasible at the moment, and so despite my general minor depression
I do not feel entirely lost or "what's the point", as I am on
my way to better things, situations where I do not feel so alone,
where I awake with a smile.
This is a
necessary process that I must go through. Partly for purely practical
reasons as I must save some money, but also I think it may be
a good thing for me to be feeling as I do. I liken it to putting
the brakes on for a while after a mad, thrilling helter-skelter
drifting around a jungle at Disneyland in an old boat with the
funniest guide driving our little steamer. There were animals
all over the place, incredible reproductions of elephants and
the like. It was such fun. I laughed so much, and I didn't even
understand a word she said.
Now, I look
back on that, and I can recall the joy I felt as I experienced
that boat ride. And it makes me happy. Not just a passing happiness,
but a contented feeling, knowing that I have been truly happy,
and that I will be again. It makes it easier to get through the
really brought it home to me just how important it is to have
friends. Good friends. Friends that trust and love one another.
I wish I had more time to communicate with them.
You know what
though? Just writing this small piece has really changed my feelings
this morning. I feel richer. Perhaps the same dark feeling is
lurking in my stomach, but my spirit has been lifted. It's my
little friend that no one knows. No one else has my friends. I
am unique in my isolation. An isolation surrounded by friends.